PAIN
Part Four
The
next day dawned with a pair of frosty sapphire eyes looking into mine. They
were amazingly beautiful blue eyes. There are dark blue eyes that reflect depth
and emotion and pale blue eyes that radiate the kind of coldness found in
certain souls who have resigned from the human race. There are blue eyes that
seem to reflect the sky and the limitless vistas the human condition is heir to
and blue eyes that shimmer eerily with a transcendental kind of un-Earthliness;
eyes that seem to peer into your soul and leave no stone unturned. There are
blue eyes warm and inviting and blue eyes repellent with deliberate indifference. There are blue eyes that flash and blue eyes that glow,
effulgent, as if some weird kind of bio-luminescence was at work. The owner of
eyes like that would be handy to have around because they can help you find
your keys in the dark.
Jeremy’s eyes are the nice kind, the kind
you’d like to have around, just because they’re pretty. Some people don’t like
that word: pretty, at least as it defines eyes in a man. But Jeremy only
smiled, months later, when I told him that I thought he had pretty eyes. He
smiled because he’s one of those people who smiles when you say something nice,
even if it’s kind of strange.
We
talked. He told me gently that my EKG readings over the past two or three days
were significantly altered from the median, the norm. He told me, in a soft,
warm voice that contrasted nicely with the silver highlights glinting in his
frosty blue eyes, that the levels of a certain enzyme present in my blood
indicated some serious fatigue damage to my entire cardiac muscle. My whole
damn heart, in other words, had been pushed well past acceptable limits, beyond
even what an Olympic sprinter’s heart might experience.
My heart, put simply, had been irrevocably
altered. The damage would always be there; perhaps eventually somewhat less if
the operation was completely successful. But I could never again (he said) be
the athletically-inclined person I had once been.
Never.
“Never” is an awfully definite word. It’s
like a door slamming. I’ve never liked it when doors slam in my face. I usually
try another way in, including the bathroom window and sure, I don’t mind if
that song comes to mind as I finish this part of the journey to the island,
gentle reader. There’s a kind of cognitive dissonance between who I am now and
who I once was and that song, an echo of my teen years, seems to force a nod of
recognition from me:
She
said she’d always been a dancer
She worked at sixteen clubs a day
And though
she thought I knew the answer
Well I knew, but I could not say.
I
thought I knew about that “sixteen clubs a day.” I confess: I’m a workaholic. I
can spend ten hours a day pounding on this keyboard. I did, in school and writing Sunlight,
over a dozen short stories, and touching up novels I’d written and put aside. I
stayed up until three or four am and never gave a thought to what it was doing
to my body. I drank coffee, strong, hot and black, and smoked little cigars and
ate junk food. I beat the hell out of my body and it had finally had enough.
I was fifty-five years old, transitioning
from male to female, abusing the only reliable transportation and observation/integration
device I owned, and it finally caught up with me.
It caught up with me as my cardiologist
Jeremy explained the facts of my new life to me; caught up with me, overwhelmed
me, and left me with tears in my own faded blue eyes. He held my hand, consoled
me, and asked me if I wanted to proceed with the operation. Limp, weak, wrung
out like a tattered dishrag, I could only nod and croak, “Yes.”
The next day, Cici took me home for a few
days so I could literally “put my affairs in order.” They really said that to
me, those nice nurses and the social worker at Providence , as if I’d been granted a weekend pass from death
row: “But you be sure to come back in a few days, missy, ‘cause you got a date
with the hangman!”
I haven’t mentioned her yet, have I? Good
reason: she deserves her own chapter. So, without any further ado, ladies and
gentlemen, children of all ages, let me present the one and only Celia Camille
Eberle!
She’s not particularly impressive and
certainly not imposing, like Jenn or me, with our height and bulk. Nope, she’s
small, about five eight, sweetly plump—sorry, hon, it’s not a slur and I
apologize profusely. You can beat me with your Strat, later—with long, wavy
auburn hair, an oval, cheerfully pleasant face, a ton of freckles and a smile that
makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Her voice is soft, gentle, pitched
higher than I can achieve—she’s a singer/songwriter—and her demeanor is a lot
like Jenn’s: an almost Buddha-like quality that makes me breathe slower and
somehow relax into myself without noticing that I’m doing it. I suppose being a
Buddhist helps in that regard. Namasté, sistah!
I love her. Whoops, hold it right there! I
can hear the grumbles and chairs sliding back. Stay where you are! Not
that way. That would be like having the hots for my sister, which might
appeal to some of you, in which case, you can leave now and please use the back
door so the neighbors don’t see you, ‘kay?
Nope, we’re just friends, but that’s like
saying the Hope diamond is just a piece of glittery carbon. She plays guitar
and so do I, sort of, but she would never point out that I have the equivalent
skills of a ten year old when it comes to sheer prowess on that most noble of
American musical instruments. Bluntly, she’s one of the best blues players I’ve
ever had the pleasure and honor to jam with. She has licks in her bag of tricks
that I can’t believe and she knows almost every single note ever played
by the masters. She has gear to drool for: two vintage American-made
Stratocasters, a vintage 50 watt Fender Duosonic amp that sings like an angel,
just enough effects pedals and an absolutely egalitarian approach to music: if
it’s good, she likes it. If it sucks, she’s diplomatic, sometimes to a fault.
You could play the worst piece of trash imaginable and she would merely remark
that it’s not her thing.
We jammed one strange, disconnected night
in Denver, also with Lisa Gillinger—who played a crimson Gretch Country
Gentleman that made my fingers itch just looking at it—and Susan Collins, who
gamely struggled to keep up as we bounced around from Neil Young to Doc Watson,
Elmore James and James Taylor, back again to Zeppelin and Bob Marley—Susan
caught the spirit there and showed us a thing or two about da funky reggae,
mon—finally ending up on Dan Fogelberg and some lovely light originals from
yours truly and the subject of this little divertissement. It was magic, it was
weird and wonderful and it all took place after hours at a conference for trans
women, down in the bowels of the hotel, next to a gigantic black grand
piano—that I should have played because I could hear it calling me but didn’t,
much to my later regret—while the muggles strolled by, rolling their eyes and
trying to look both amused and patronizing. Those who tarried long enough to
listen walked away with stars in their eyes and faintly disconcerted
expressions. Is the dancing bear supposed to dance that well?
Oh my dears, it’s not that the bear dances
well, it’s that it dances at all.
She’s my friend, so when the worst of the
heart attack slamdance was under control, I called her from my hospital bed and
explained the situation to her. We were up for a Lambda Literary award in the
Transgender Non-Fiction category, I couldn’t go and she had to go in my place.
The airline wouldn’t refund the ticket that Michelle had already purchased for
me, there was no way she could give it to anyone else; ergo, she could
and must go in my place.
She was cheerful about it: “Sure, it
sounds like fun. I’m going to come down there”—she was visiting her kids in Seattle —“and make sure everything’s okay with you first,
alright?”
Twist my arm, Ginger Kid. (That’s her own
nickname for herself. I like it. I’m going to keep using it until she asks me
to stop) Two days after the angiogram, CiCi took me home.
It was the most pleasant three days in my
memory of that time. We talked a lot, mostly about music and trans issues. I
didn’t want to talk about the upcoming surgery. My mind kept shying away from
it like a kitten who’s been burned by a hot stove. (“Squeek! Get away!”) She
cleaned up my apartment, noticed that I didn’t have a microwave and asked me
about it. I was a little embarrassed and told her that my old one—purchased
long ago during my marriage—had given up the ghost and I was unable to afford a
new one. She got a faraway look in her eyes and told me to take a nap or
something, she’d be right back.
You can guess, can’t you? You’d be right
but a little incomplete. Not only did she come back with a new microwave—really
powerful and built like a truck—but she also bought about a hundred bucks worth
of groceries. I was dumbfounded.
“You can’t afford this!”
She smiled that warm and fuzzy smile over
her shoulder at me. “Why not? Hewlett-Packard pays me pretty well as a systems
analyst and it’s not like I’m trying to become America ’s next millionaire or something. Hey, where do you
put your pasta? Over here? You want spaghetti for dinner?”
Now, what can you say about someone like
that except that you love them? Yeah, I love Celia Camille Eberle. She’s my
best friend in the whole world and I’d do anything for her. She went to New York in my place with my beloved and they had a great
time. Central Park . A Broadway play. Shopping. Strolling and
sight-seeing. When I was readmitted to the hospital, right before the day of
the Big Slice, Tami loaned me her back-up lap-top and I was able to access the
pictures she sent me. New York
looks unbelievably crowded and kind of scary, although Central Park looked really inviting. Spring in New York is much
like spring everywhere, I suppose, but Central Park looks rather like a
Disneyland attraction; a strangely unreal garden in the middle of a human
ant-pile. No offense to New Yorkers, but it’s no wonder you folks are a bit
crazy. CiCi sent me a picture of a sidewalk in lower Manhattan where they’d stopped for lunch at a little cafe. I
counted hundreds of people in the shot. Another picture was taken a few minutes
after they came out of the theatre on Broadway. Mob scene: humans shoulder to
shoulder for blocks. If I had to live in the middle of that, I’d be kind of
crazy, too. On the other hand, I would guess that most folks might think I’m
crazy for just being myself.
CiCi took me back to the hospital a few
days later. We didn’t talk much. I remember telling her to take good care of my
beloved and watch out for her. Redundant, of course. I was trying not to think
about what they were going to do to me the next day. She knew it too, but
gentle reassurance radiated from her like warmth from a Franklin stove. We
hugged. She told me it was going to be alright.
It wasn’t, but I lived through it and
that’s what matters.