Thursday, November 13, 2008

Larry Craig

This post originally posted to my blog at alt.com)

Aug 30, 2007 10:04 pm

Politics and sex. They always seem to go together, don't they? Like ice cream and hot fudge. (Hmm, there's an allegory in there and we won't explore that one tonight.)

Sex scandals come screaming out of Washington on an average of one or two per week. It's a tribute to the persistant nature of our national media that each and every one elicits at least a raised eyebrow and a grunt of disgust and contempt from nearly all of us. You'd think we'd be burnt out by now, wouldn't you?

You'd think that we'd get tired of a steady diet of hot fudge and ice cream, wouldn't you?

Apparently not.

Larry. Larry, Larry, Larry.

What are we gonna do with you, big guy? Well, we're going to drag your name through the mud, excoriate you, embarress and humiliate you, harass your family and close friends, set up camp on your effin' front lawn and take pictures of everything related to you from your third grade teacher to the guy who picks up your trash every week. We're going to shout the most inane questions imaginable at every person who shows up at your door and if YOU happen to appear, there's going to be a feeding frenzy and small, furry creatures who happen to be caught in the melee' are going to be torn to bloody shreds.

Just kidding about the last part, there. I think. Still, it ain't gonna be pretty and YOU, my man, my corpulent, small-minded dinosaur of a Republican, are very likely going to lose your Senate seat, the love and support of your family and friends and those lifetime courtside tickets.

All because you're gay and you had to hide it.

I shouldn't accuse you of being gay, actually. That's so unfair. You could be bi. You could be bi-curious. (How many times can you have sex with someone of your own gender before you can no longer call yourself bi-curious? Quite a few, apparently. Some people are just REALLY curious.) You could be a heterosexual woman in a man's body in which case, you REALLY need our help! (Listen, I know this great pastic surgeon...)

But the most probable conclusion is that you're queer, just like a lot of the rest of us (including me!) and now you have to do the diplomatic shuffle to keep your job, your family and your honor.

(Uh, news update, Lare: your honor's already in the dumpster. And your job's about to join it.)

And it's all because you solicited sex from an undercover vice cop in the men's restroom at the airport. Oy vey. Larry, c'mon! The men's room? At the freakin' airport? See, if you'd used Alt.com, you could have set up a nice discreet meeting at the airport Sheraton and there'd be none of this storm of controversy. (Sigh) You showed VERY bad judgement, my corpulant Republican dinosaur. And like the dinosaurs, you're about to become extinct.

And the terrible thing is: you really don't deserve it. Oh, sure: you're a rat-bastard Republican who votes for guns and Big Oil and votes against gays and unwed mothers and freedom of speech, thought and action but that's really overcompensation, isn't it, Larry old buddy? Just another way to hide your gayness and convince all your scumbag fellow Republicans that you're foursquare in favor of the dominance of the Republican Party above all things and that you're entitled to your sloppy, stinky piece of the pie.

How long have you been hiding it, Larry? How long ago was it that you first sucked a cock and said to yourself: "Hey, this is pretty good but I better not let anyone know."? How long ago, Larry?

It's too long, no matter how long ago it was.

You couldn't be yourself, Larry. You couldn't be gay because you wouldn't have access to the wealth and power and position you enjoy. So you hid it, concealed it and now it's blown up in your face because you got a little desperate and careless.

I should hate you for your hypocrisy and your cruelty and your selfishness and your self-centered attitude and allathat, but I just can't bring myself to do that. I've learned a thing or two here at Alt.com,(and elsewhere!) in the last few weeks and all I can do it pity you. NOT sympathize! NOT empathize! PITY.

You're an object of pity, not respect and admiration. Funny how quickly that happens, isn't it, Larry? Funny how fast you can lose everything over one dopey mistake.

Funny how fast your life can fall apart, all because of your sexual orientation. NOW do you know what we're saying? NOW do you understand why we hate and abhor legislation and rules and guidelines that exclude and discriminate against people like us?

NOW do you understand why we're pissed that we get punished for being honest with ourselves and the world while lying hypocrites like yourself get all the perks and goodies and favors? We pay the price on a daily basis for our appearance and our beliefs and just for being who we are; people who were born this way and can't help it anymore than you, Larry old buddy.

And now you have to pay the piper, too. Relax, it won't be too bad. Your life really isn't over, you know. Your wife will publicly forgive you although you're never going to have sex with her, ever again. (Not, I suspect, that it's a big problem for you. She doesn't smell right, does she?) Your kids will forgive you but they might be keeping their distance for a while. The media will get bored and move on to The Next Big Thing and you'll be dissed again, but I think you'll be grateful for that final snippet of disrespect.

And I'll forgive you, too, though I don't have to and it doesn't really matter. I forgive you, Larry old buddy. I forgive your hypocrisy and your lying and your dirty deals with other scumbag Republicans (I'm trying to figure out a way to make that into one word: scumbagRepublicans. Nah, too busy...) and even your cruelty to those who have never done you any harm; gays, unwed mothers, etc.

I forgive you but will you forgive yourself? Or will you stay in a state of denial, protesting even as they take away your Senate washroom key? I kinda suspect you'll keep denying it, Larry. It's a habit, like denying that unwed mothers need assistance just so they and their babies can survive, like denying that the Earth was created billions of years ago instead of a few thousand. Like denying global warming or corporate malfeasance or all of the things your Party has so well taught you to deny.

But you can't deny that you're gay, Larry. Not to yourself. Nope. Can't do it.

You're one of us, Larry. You can deny it, but it's true. You can run screaming from us and babble all you want, on or off the record, that it's a mistake, that you would NEVER do that, that that cop solicited sex from YOU, not the other way around. (sigh) Okay, if you say so.

But we'll be here, Larry. Waiting. Yeah, you might have to take a little crap before you get to suck some cock, but it's part of the Dance, y'know? But we'll take you back, right here where you belong. You should have come here in the first place, Larry. A cover name, a little judicious research (Hey, you might have even been able to find another gay Republican!) to cover your ass and all your needs could have been met right here on good ol' Alt.com. Holy cow, I'll bet that never occured to you, did it?

(The men's restroom at the airport. Jeez...)

Next time, try Alt.com, Larry. We'll be here.

Waiting.

Michelle

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