(this post originally posted to my blog at alt.com)
Nov 3, 2008 12:18 am
It's been a while since I posted anything to this blog, partly because I've been concentrating my efforts at the My Husband Betty message boards and partly because this transition has taken much much more of my time than I could have possibly predicted ten months ago when I went on the hormones.
Long story short: it's been a rough, wild ride so far, people.
Physically, I'm pretty good. My breasts are developing nicely and some of the other secondary sexual characteristics are coming out, right on sked. My libido has gone on vacation, though and I'm not altogether sure it's going to return anytime soon. As they say, this is where we separate the women from the men. Ce la vie. I'm not sure I miss it. Sex may be overrated but love and relationships are just as important to me as they once were, maybe even more so.
I have a new job. Never mind where, I'm equally sure that they wouldn't want their name mentioned on this site and I respect them too much to do so. Suffice it to say that I'm out there, they accept me and guess what? My transition is now 24-7, even if my official ID does not as yet indicate my female name. My work ID will, though, this Wednesday and that feels incredibly, unbelievably rewarding and fulfilling. That one was kinda tough and I can only advise any of my sisters out there who haven't yet transitioned at work to do the paperwork! Get your letter from your shrink and doctor and make sure your HR department gets copies of it. If you live in a state where your rights are not protected, then consult an attorney first and pick your way through it like it's a minefield.
Because it is.
Other things? As I said, I'm 24-7 now. I present as a female (albeit a rather masculine one) all the time now. It's still a bit scary and a bit annoying when I catch the occasional nasty look or leer but I hold my head high and ignore them. Portland and the State of Oregon have laws to protect me and those like me and that's why I waited so long to do this.
That, and being scared out of my mind. After half a century as a male, old habits die hard and old reflexes are very hard to redirect. But: so far, so good.
Which leads me to this reality check. Let's recap, shall we?
1.) Did I do the right thing?
Absolutely. I just wish I'd done it sooner.
2.) Did I do this the right way?
No. I screwed up, many times. But I was lucky. I got to go back and fix most of my mistakes.
3.) Will I continue doing this?
Hell, yes. No way would I even consider returning to being male, not for a second.
4.) Am I going All The Way? Even to the GRS?
I don't know. None of the surgical options are covered by my insurance, not even an orchidectomy and I still haven't decided if I'm going there. To be brutally honest, I really don't want a surgically constructed vagina. Even the best ones--and I've seen some really lovely neo-vaginas!--are primarily esthetic and/or sexual in purpose. They're an entrance, not an exit and the only way I'd consider having that done would be if they could implant a uterus as well. Yep, that's right: I'd want a child. Even in this utterly messed-up world with its greed and violence and madness, I'd want at least one child, even if I'm 'just' a surrogate mother. And that, my friends, is an indicator of just how much I've changed. As a male, I would never have considered having children! I was married for 17 years and it was never on my radar screen. But now...yes, I'd want to be a mother.
"Life is so strange/destination unknown..."
5.) Have I managed to keep the vows I made when I started this?
No. And I'm sorry about that. Abjectly so. I've hurt a few people here--Hello, Bobbi. Are you still well? I think about you often--and elsewhere. I've acted dishonorably and with cowardice. I've feuded with my sisters. I've committed more than a few dishonorable acts and never mind what, exactly. No, nothing unlawful but there have been a few things I've done that left me with an overwhelming need to wash my hands or rinse out my mouth. So: no. Those vows were broken, more than once, and I am here to testify: I am ashamed of some of the things I've done.
This morality/ethics thing can really wrap you in knots sometimes.
Shall I sum up? Don't be silly, I'm not done yet and who can really 'sum up' a life? I'm not even going to try. 'Work in progress' is the best, least trite thing I can say and even that strains the definition somewhat.
I may not be back here anytime soon. I've met some cool folks and not a few flakes on alt.com. But the main purpose of this site is for folks to hook up for sex and frankly, that's not really where I'm at. I'm not judging any of y'all here and what a bad joke that would be if I were. Sex is still great and wonderful and the best thing ever invented, it's just not that high on my list anymore.
Frankly, I'd rather just hold hands and make out. Kissing is still the most pleasant social convention we humans indulge in and if I happen to meet any of y'all, I'd be very pleased to lay a flyin' lip lock on ya! So it's not a total loss, really.
Take care and be well, people. Live, love and laugh a lot. Don't hurt anyone, especially in affairs of the heart and never ever give up on love.
That's still the most important thing. Truly.
Love from me to You